Burnout...
It feels impossible to come on here and share with you pieces of art or jewelry paired with some upbeat caption and a slue of hashtags as if everything is just fine. When the truth is I feel terrible inside. I am in such an intense state of burnout right now.
I haven’t “formally announced” this but, I am Autistic, which makes everyday things a little more difficult but when I am also incurring large amounts of stress, overwhelm, and constant change, it can push me to the point of complete Autistic Burnout. This is difficult to describe... to me, it feels like my brain is imploding .. like parts of it are melting in on each other. It’s difficult to keep it together. I end up with intense anxiety and depression, it’s hard to focus or get anything done, even basic, every day things.
This is all only exacerbated by too often being in situations where I need to “mask” which is very difficult and very draining. (Autistic masking.. not COVID masking... always mask against COVID.) Work (my day job) requires a daily mask of forced tones, facial expressions, eye contact, body language, and more. And it’s all been just too much for me. Leading to meltdowns and burnout.
My work situation has gotten increasingly stressful over the past few months and is only getting worse.. that stress combined with the need to mask all day at work has completely burned me out.
As I once talked about “not having the luxury to fail”, I also feel as though I do not have the luxury to fall apart. I so badly want to, and need to, fall completely apart and take some time for my mental health. But I can’t afford the missed pay, so as much as I feel like I need at least a short leave, I never take it.
I took 5 days of PTO recently (which I am so grateful to even have) hoping that it would help, but it didn’t. I need a much longer break to recover... or more likely.. a completely different career that doesn’t involve so much of what I struggle with as an Autistic person.
I guess I’m here for no other reason than to vent..also maybe connect with someone who is feeling something similar, Autistic or not.
And to remind you, that I’m still here..🖤
February 17, 2021